F/friends, I have spoken to far too many Dom/mes lately who are very confused about their lives in this lifestyle, so I have created this page to perhaps give them a little insight. This is not written in stone, it is just my opinion, both as a sub, and as a Domme. After reading it, take away what information you will, and use it to your best advantage, but please, do not attack me for my thoughts. I didn't have to do this, I wanted to, because there are still some out there who respect my opinion. If you don't, fine….that is your prerogative. Just don't beat me over the head about it.
What is a Dom/me?
In my humble opinion, Dom/mes are not made. They are born. Some just don't realize that they are Dom/me, or don't understand what it is to be Dom/me. To that end, I have developed a few questions for those that aren't quite sure…..
#1. Does the thought of having control over someone, who has willingly given that control to You, to use as You see fit, excite You?
#2. Do You have a strong personality? A personality that, in r/t, can lead people, get things done, and brook little argument?
#3. Do You have the ability to accept responsibility for the gift of submission? Can You give of Yourself (time and effort) and allow someone to trust You so completely that they will do anything for You?
If You answered yes to any of the above questions, You are a Dom/me. Yet many of You still question what "being a Dom" entails. I shall endeavor to answer those questions for You….
First, let's define BDSM. I know that all the letters are lumped together….but just as any scene does not have to have each aspect of the lifestyle incorporated into it, neither does any D/s relationship.
You can have Bondage, with very little Domination, and no Sado-Masochism. You can have Domination without any Bondage, and YES, without inflicting pain! Granted, there are many subs who want/need the pain to attain their level of excitement, but not all subs are into pain. I know I am not.
Domination is the most important factor in any D/s, BDSM relationship. For without Domination, there can be no submission. Domination is mental for the most part. It is control. When I submit, I want to be able to completely trust the Dom I am scening with knowing he has my best interests, limitations, desires and well being in mind.
. Those things should be discussed before any collar is given or accepted. And I shall talk more on collars in a few paragraphs.
Many of You see the subs "acting up"….seemingly to WANT to get into trouble, and You aren't sure how to handle that. I don't blame You. I can't understand the motivation behind a lot of that type of behavior, except what motivates ME to "act up." It's really rather cut and dried, I think. When I act up, misbehave, etc, it's because I need….NEED….to be controlled, Dominated. To be honest, it just may be a bit of a test if I see a Dom that I'm interested in….to see if He has the Dominant nature I seek. But, I also do believe that many subs "act up" because they honestly don't know any better.
When I am submissive, I want to be controlled, Dominated….and My primary goal, is to please. To please the Dom that I am submitting to. You see that, with the serves, etc…but do you really understand that this is a deeply-rooted NEED….and is probably why I submit?
Many of You have children, or are aunts and uncles, and quite possibly, are rather benevolent aunts and uncles. I have no doubt that Your children, whichever the case may be, worship the ground You walk on. Have You ever asked Yourself why? Is it because You love them, show them compassion and understanding, but also guide and lead them, and keep them from harm? They may not be able to define it as such….but that is the most compelling reason to Love…that, and trust. They trust You to keep them safe, and to teach them. They trust You to do right by them. What do You do when a child in Your care puts themselves in harms way? What do You do when they deliberately disobey? Those are the things You need to adapt to handle a sub in this lifestyle. They trust You. And trust is the key to BDSM. A sub must trust a Dom they submit to, without question. Absolute trust.
When I submit to a Dom, I expect that Dom to have My best interests at heart…..I expect that Dom to lead and guide me, whether in sex or in day to day living. I rely on His strength of personality, His power over me, and His compassion to see that I'm not hurt. I TRUST HIM.
I don't have any preconceived notions of HOW He should lead me. I just know that I trust Him enough to do whatever He says. I want to please Him. If making gentle love to me pleases Him, then I am fulfilled. If bondage, a spanking, humiliation, etc pleases Him, then that is what I want to do. If He wants to do a different aspect of BDSM every time W/we scene, then I WANT to please Him. But, I do have my limitations, and anyone who tells You they don't, is lying. WE ALL HAVE LIMITATIONS! But, in a true D/s relationship, those limitations will be brought out, discussed, and decisions will be AGREED upon. A sub may not like to be spanked, and that may be a Dom's favorite thing to do….so, the sub, if she is a true sub, will agree to try it, under certain circumstances that are discussed beforehand.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that every Dom is different. There is no rule of thumb that makes One a better Dom than another to a sub. It is ability. And if You answered any of those three questions above with a "yes"….You have that ability, and You should be exploring it. Another point to remember.....A Dom can, and should...also be His sub's Friend.
What does a collar signify? Committment. Yes....to some it is like a wedding ring. But it is really so much more.
When a Dom offers a collar, that Dom is stating that He will give of Himself, time and effort, to teach that sub, to guide that sub, to protect that sub, and to honor that sub, with their compassion and strength. He commits to the sub His DOMINATION.
When a sub accepts a collar, she gives control of her life, mind, body and soul, to that Dom. She believes that He knows what is best for her, that He will cherish her submission, and her love, and will honor it. She trusts Him to do right by her, to guide her, to discipline her, and to accept her submission as a gift, not as a toy.
A collared sub will always do her very best to honor her Dom, to prove that she is worthy of His time and efforts, and to bring Him only joy. She wants nothing more than to please Him.
Before any collar is offered or accepted, both the Dom and the sub should know what they are getting in to. They should discuss their needs, desires, and level of time, committment, etc. It should be agreed upon BEFORE a collar is ever exchanged, for to do less, leaves both open to much heartache.
Know that a collar is too important to be given lightly, and consider Your actions thoroughly before taking such a step.
And what of this teaching? You may ask Yourself what You know that could be beneficial to a sub. There is SO much that a Dom can teach a sub. Think of a sub as an innocent. Think of them as needing You and only You to show them everything there is to know in life.....I have given total submission to three Dom's......and there is still so much I want to know.....NEED to know...every Dom was different..They all Dominated me at different levels....One was kind and gentle.....but oh, so very strong and controlling.....one was learning, and the explorations W/we made together taught me so much.....and one....well....one was my first, and a mistake.
There is no limit to what You have to offer a sub. Communication can make the most learned sub impart to You what she needs, and You just may find that You have the ability to fulfill all those needs and more, and fulfill some of Your own in the process.
Fear not, Friends.....You may need to explore more of this lifestyle to come to a complete understanding of Yourself, but regardless of what You find, remember that BDSM can be fun.....great fun.....Enjoy!
And of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't say something about protocol in the chatrooms. I'm sure it is very different in the r/t clubs and dungeons, but here, in this medium, protocol of a sort must be upheld, or anarchy is the result. At all times, a sub, collared or not, and a Dom/me....without or without a collared sub, must show honor and respect for their peers, the other subs, the other Dom/mes.
must also adhere to what is right for the room. Please, keep the faith. And if any of You ever have questions about what I perceive to be the proper protocol, please just ask.
Please feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, etc on this page. I have found so much joy in BDSM, and I would like all to find their own level in the lifestyle.
This page has been visited times.